You think depression is a choice?
Well, honey,
Do you think I choose
To feel worthless?
To feel empty,
To feel sick to my stomach because I think too much?
To feel broken,
Lost,
Constantly confused...
To feel hopeless,
Useless,
Stressed out,
Angry at myself..
To feel suicidal, sometimes without knowing a reason?
To feel the need to lay in bed all day,
Without moving a muscle,
Because getting up would just make me want to fall back down?
Honey,
Depression is never a choice.
You don't choose depression.
Depression chooses you.
We don't need ignorant people to choose us, too.
Painfully shy they call me
and they are right
it is painful
but something about the label
doesn't feel right
I have a voice but I. Can. Not. Speak.
Words stuck in my throat,
tunnel vision kicks in and I feel weak
anxiety manifests in any social situation
lightheadedness, dizziness, heart palpitations
adrenaline rush, tremors, hyperventilation
d I s c o n n e c t e d n e s s
I'm sick of dealing with this
I have a lot to say
but my verbosity remains internal
I pray they stay away
but when they do, it cuts like shrapnel
because I'm the most social anti-social
you'll ever meet
don't talk to me, don't talk to me;
p
I'm sorry,
that I'm not
beautiful.
I'm not a supermodel.
Are you?
I'm sorry,
that I'm not
funny.
I'm not a comedian.
Are you?
I'm sorry,
that I'm not
mature.
I'm sorry,
that I'm not
talented.
I'm sorry,
that I'm not
good enough
or,
loving enough...
or,
smart enough.
I'm not perfect.
Are you?
Do you know what it feels like?
To feel so socially awkward
around people that you feel
uncomfortable in your own skin,
knowing that you don't fit in.
And, you walk away...
thinking that being alone
will be better for you -
but you're wrong.
You just feel even more alone;
even more rejected from society;
perhaps even sad, in some way.
What do you do while waiting for someone?
As you wait, and wait, and wait for them -
hoping they'll come soon
lest you seem like a loner
walking aimlessly around,
causing people to pity you.
And your face gets hot,
you start to sweat because
they know -
they know of how alone you are
and they feel sorry for